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Paul E. Burns IV's Journal

21st June, 2011. 10:09 pm. BATS!

Did Lifedrawing in the morning....Lots of opportunity for developing artistic discipline.

In the evening, we took the bat boat tour which I highly reccomend.



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20th June, 2011. 5:08 pm. Itemized life...looking for poetry

Weekend was fun but busy.

Babysitting went well. I was fun and new which gave me an edge I think. Played Sorry for the first time in years. Got to see the world of children's flash games....very impressive

Went swimming in the devil's sinkhole in Inks lake on Saturday...the water was perfect.

Sunday MeMa and I made an apple cake....Father's day dinner with the step father...then Father's day fun day with Jon, got to play portal 2 for the first time. Engineered it so that I could run into him at top speed in the middle of the air....reminded me of being 8.

Today a doctor's appointment and storage unit sorting to retrieve my art supplies for a drawing meeting I am having tomorrow. Then my mom joined me and my brother for swimming laps at Patterson Pool.

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17th June, 2011. 4:56 pm. Tried out lap swimming at patterson pool

Tried out lap swimming at Patterson pool. I made it 3 laps and 3 minutes of treading water. Lots of room to improve.

Tonight I am going to try out babysitting for the first time since I was a teenager. Scared to death but also excited.

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15th June, 2011. 10:20 pm. I just got back from "church night" at the burning flipside warehouse

I screwed up my courage and attended the burning flipside Wednesday night thing.

The first half was GREAT. I got "volunteered" to help load stuff into the loft. An hour of hauling camping gear and art trailings up a tiny stair was so very satisfying. I shall need to bring water next time. Hadn't anticipated it to be so labor intensive.

Then everyone was sort of sitting outside socializing. I didn't know anyone, but I set a smile and introduced myself to everyone in handshake range. Met a few nice people but didn't really connect with anyone. After a half an hour I chickened out and ran.

I will try again next week.

Wrote a depressing little cartoon about the event, but decided my internal neurosis were not what I want to cartoon about.

Got this internal struggle going on between "must speak truth" and "create the universe"...kinda curious who wins this time.

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8th March, 2011. 9:36 am. On Sunday took a walk and saw Phillip K Dick.

On Sunday, I walked again.

Frustrated and alone, the beast crying out for a cigarette, a kiss, some company, , a big greasy meal, some world of warcraft.....and I fed him 2 miles.

I started walking south, and arrived at the mall.

It was interesting to note that walking on the side of the road in a sea of exhaust was more enjoyable then walking in the mall itself.

I got a ticket for "The Adjustment Beauru" because it is the same title as a Phillip K. Dick short story.

It was a terrible terrible movie.

It really was based on the Phillip K. Dick short story. Get this, they tried to turn it into a love story. Seriously. A love story.

Phillip K. Dick is absolutely one of my favorite authors, utterly brilliant man. HOWEVER, His understanding of love and the female identity was twisted.....

Watching a love story unfold in one of his worlds was painful at best. When the universe twists the way that Dick liked to describe, love gets twisted up into something destructive.

A more accurate tale of love in the world of Dick would be inception.

In a sense, I got to thinking about how I use Dick's narratives often to explain the parts of the world that don't make sense to me. So the question I find myself asking is: what is the causal relationship?

Does love seem alien and unreliable because I perceive the world this way?

Or

Does my irrational distrust of people cause me to perceive the world this way?

I was nervous about the walk home, but honestly it was just what I needed after all that time sitting around watching the movie.

Update:

The answer, as it usually is, was not one of the options I was considering. I just hadn't thought it through. Honestly, I am not happy with how I feel about love right now.
I think I need to stick to expressing myself visually. Getting to work out an image gives you time to work through your feelings about it before putting it on display.
Brain to blog is just too quick.

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20th December, 2010. 4:49 pm. The Legacy of Tron

I found Tron Legacy to be deeply satisfying. It wasn't the barely
tolerable heroic tale laid out in typical Hollywood style, but rather
the inadvertent honesty in depiction of a world that had not dealt
with the conflicts that the first movie presented. In the original
movie, we are presented with a new world struggling with fascism and
privacy. We are given heroes who face the evil master control and
free the system for everyone to use. Individuality wins, our heroes
take power and we are left wondering what will happen next? Given the
freedom to create the universe, what kind of a world will we make?

Tron defined my perception of technology as it has integrated into our
society. In the back of my mind, I am always wondering "how does this
technology enable me to be more free?". In my youth(soon following
Tron), technology reflected that wide open space that Tron promised at
the end of the movie. Communication was free and open. The Internet
was young and hadn't caught the notice of anyone important. There
were not many people to talk to yet, but that was changing every day.
Every moment was a new discovery of people communicating in a new
way.

Very soon, things began to change. Technology began to integrate
into people's lives. People began to depend on these new
technologies, and so people began to profit from them.

The questions of the original movie were ripe to be answered. Who was
going to control this new frontier? How were we going to organize
ourselves? How would technology affect the interplay between
individuality and fascism?

There were those on each side. Master Control Program had the
Microsofts and IBMs of the world, and Flynn and Tron were represented
by the EFF and white hat hats around the world.

There were many epic battles, but no one addressed any of the real
issues. There were fights over who got what money and who got to
integrate what into which OS.....but no one ever addressed the real
issues. What are an individuals rights in a closed system? How can
control be maintained while allowing individuals to act independently?
If no Master Control Program, then what?

We didn't answer those questions. We just went on blogging, chatting,
or getting what we wanted out of the technology and just hoped that
it would turn into something wonderful. In the end, the Master
Control Programs turned out to be incompetent. The Flynns of the
world turned out to be "the dude" from The Big Lebowski. Bloated OSs
vomit out reams of advertising to users whose every move is
scrutinized by predators waiting for their moment to pounce.

This is exactly what we find at the beginning of Tron Legacy.

Neither Fascist nor Individualist has been capable of accomplishing
anything but leaving the world a used up husk.

Keep an eye out for the ending of this movie, was anything solved? did
anything change?

Perhaps we should do something about that.

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28th September, 2010. 1:52 pm. An Arrangement of Items: An arrangement of Thoughts

An Arrangement of Items: An arrangement of Thoughts



Plate by Kate Brown

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25th January, 2010. 5:04 pm. emo-paul gets his long distance comercial moment.

This past friday I was feeling really emotional. Morgain joked that it was my time of the month which is really not that far off.

My life is full of really basic things right now. Waking, playing with my cat, sleeping, and doing chores. It is an incredible amount of work but it gets easier every day. Being intentionally boring after years of hiding in excitement. There are YEARS of historicly ignored boringness to wade through.

So this weekend was spent sorting through boxes and cleaning my house. On saturday I got up and took a walk in the neighborhood. Bought a berry smoothie and enjoyed the sight of snow on the mountains.

I have been watching Star Trek and I left it on while I was working. Around the afternoon the episode where data makes himself a daughter came on.

Often my friends have described this moment where they are watching TV and a long distance comercial comes on and they start crying. It always seems to be phone ads. I have always felt a little jealous of this. There is an honesty to the experience, but I just don't respond to television like that.

Well, the show got to the big emotional crux of the show and I bursted out bawling.

I finally had my long distance TV comercial moment. You know, it is just what I needed.

Afterward, I felt much better. My emo abaited.

Bad poetry was written, but in the end there is just not substitute for feeling your emotions and going with it.

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7th January, 2010. 4:43 pm. Reminder to self:

Reminder to self:

sometimes it is to your advantage to take things at face value.

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11th December, 2009. 3:04 pm. Synthesis; Rumi, Spaulding Gray and Rob Brezney

The last few months have been a real transformative processes. While there have been alot of changes on the outside, the real work has been internal. I have dubbed the process "Synthesis"

I have been slowly turning on all the parts of my brain at the same time.
I had broken myself up into a million little pieces. I wasn't able or willing to deal with all of the truth at once. I hid like a child in the now rejecting the past and the future.

Slowly but surely I have been turning on all those parts of me that I had turned off. Connecting memories and experiences one at a time like an OS loading extensions and packages.

Sleeping parts of myself began to be introduced to eachother. Alot of the time I have felt like a Conference Committee in the legislature. The adventurous Paul and the prodistant work ethic Paul sit down in my head and try to figure out how to live together. Together they discover what has gone before, and look towards what is to come.

Reminds me alot of Rumi:

"The drunk and the madman inside me
take a liking to each other. They sit down
on the ground together. Look at this mess
of a life as the sun looks fondly into ruins."

It has been a painful process. I have rediscovered pride in myself and shame. Before, existence was unbearable as a whole. Awareness resuted in uncontrolable panic and self-loathing. Somehow, that has been changed into simple sadness. Turns out Spaulding Gray was right all along.

"I'm not really sure I want the cure. I know the cure is supposed to be the transformation of hysterical misery into common unhappiness."

I didn't want the cure either, I was very attached to my misery. I am glad that is beginning to change.

Honestly, I thought the whole thing was kinda silly. Then I saw my horiscope by Rob Brezney. Jerk makes it hard for me to be skeptical about astrology and gives credence to my internal dialog.

Sagittarius:

One of your top accomplishments in 2009 is the way you have united parts of yourself that had not previously been very well connected. It seems you decided that you were tired of being split up into fragmented sub-personalities that had different agendas. Somehow you managed to convince them all to work together in a common cause. Now I'm quite impressed with the new spirit of cooperation that's at work in your depths. I predict it will lead to an unprecedented singleness of purpose in 2010.

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